AQUARIUS
At odds with the need for alone time and the desire to be social, the Aquarius struggles with shitting in public but will never, ever pee alone. In fact, she’s oftentimes the “Guys, I’m dying, I need to pee, does anyone need to pee? Guys!!! Anyone?!” brunch instigator. In fact, she's always peeing. Why does she always have to pee?
PISCES
A Pisces by nature is gentle and compassionate; always one to subscribe to the “pee in places the way you’d like places to be peed in when you pee there” philosophy, always one to defend the “anonymous” office pee-er who can’t quite master squatting. “Maybe she really had to go,” she’ll insist. “Be nice!” Her bathroom at home is her favorite private space, though, and it is disgusting.
ARIES
Your biggest strength and weakness, Aries, is your ability to get, like, really comfortable wherever you want. “Better out than in, I always say,” you Shrek-cackle each time you fart in public. When a friend complains of a stomachache, you are all about that gas diagnosis. If someone even vaguely looks like she might have diarrhea, you are all up in there offering Imodium and your favorite self-tested home remedies. Most frequently used emoji: the poop face, of course.
TAURUSA creature of habit, the Taurus relies heavily on her bathroom routine. She likes the comfort of the wake-up poop, the third stall at work, the fitness app praising her six consistent pees per day. She’s so fixated on her own routine, it's sometimes hard to hear about others'. She'll talk about how constipated you get before your period if you really want to, but she’s not gonna like it.
GEMINIWhile she’s quick to adapt to new situations, the Gemini isn’t a fan of da club bathroom or da beloved third stall Becky just took 20 goddamn minutes in. That said, she could spend all day texting you about potential Halloween costumes from her own Wiz Palace. Gets along nicely with Tauruses. Obviously.
CANCERThe bathroom is a sacred place for a Cancer, somewhere she can uphold traditions taught to her by her mother and her mother before that. She sits, squats, inserts tampons, and washes the way she learned as a child and teenager. She is the best friend to have around during food poisoning, always. Wouldn’t be caught dead without travel-size Gas-X, Tums, and Pepto in her purse.
LEO
Like the Aries, a Leo can take an epic poop and doesn’t care who knows it. In fact, she relishes it. “Guys,” she tells her friends, who already anticipate the news, over dinner, “guys, you know how I was shitting my brains out last week? I woke up this morning and was all good to go. Almost Snapped you a pic but remembered I was going to see you tonight anyway!” Describes everything as “the shit.”
VIRGOA Virgo worries, always. Her search history is filled with questions, concerns: “Should my pee be that yellow? Why would someone not poop in two days?” Keeps a fucking immaculate bathroom. I👏 M👏 M👏 A👏 C👏 U👏 L👏 A👏 T👏 E.
LIBRA
A Libra loves a good article about how superfoods are as great as they're hyped to be, is always abreast of the latest probiotic news. She cares about the well-being of her bowels and her body. Libras and Cancers get along famously — they are the friend group fiber, the thing that binds and keeps everything else moving.
SCORPIOYou, Scorpio, are nothing if not brave. You’ll lead your friends to the festival porta-potties, going first to show it’s not that bad, pounding on the doors to make sure Becky makes it out OK. You’re a big believer in doing things in the moment; you listen when your body talks. You never did understand those who procrastinated peeing and complained about it. Like, why?
SAGITTARIUS
Like the Scorpio, the Sagittarius has no patience for fucking around. She doesn’t want to wait for Becky — who is still peeing by the way, “Ohmygod, Becky, what is taking you so long?” — and she doesn’t need to wait for Allie to leave the bathroom at work to go. The Sagittarius enjoys a good outdoor poop every so often (when she goes camping in the summer, not just because she feels like it, obv).\
Like the Scorpio, the Sagittarius has no patience for fucking around. She doesn’t want to wait for Becky — who is still peeing by the way, “Ohmygod, Becky, what is taking you so long?” — and she doesn’t need to wait for Allie to leave the bathroom at work to go. The Sagittarius enjoys a good outdoor poop every so often (when she goes camping in the summer, not just because she feels like it, obv).\
CAPRICORN
Everything about a Capricorn’s bathroom habits are regular. She too is a creature of habit, but a more free-spirited one. She’s all about that toilet Snap — but it’s only going to her sister.
