How Complaining Can Configure Your Brain for Negativity

Research shows that most people complain once a minute during a typical conversation. Complaining is tempting because it feels good, but like many other things that are enjoyable -- such as smoking or eating a pound of bacon for breakfast -- complaining isn’t good for you.

Your brain loves efficiency and doesn’t like to work any harder than it has to. When you repeat a behavior, such as complaining, your neurons branch out to each other to ease the flow of information. This makes it much easier to repeat that behavior in the future -- so easy, in fact, that you might not even realize you’re doing it.

You can’t blame your brain. Who’d want to build a temporary bridge every time you need to cross a river? It makes a lot more sense to construct a permanent bridge. So, your neurons grow closer together, and the connections between them become more permanent. Scientists like to describe this process as, “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

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Repeated complaining rewires your brain to make future complaining more likely. Over time, you find it’s easier to be negative than to be positive, regardless of what’s happening around you. Complaining becomes your default behavior, which changes how people perceive you.

And here’s the kicker: complaining damages other areas of your brain as well. Research from Stanford University has shown that complaining shrinks the hippocampus -- an area of the brain that’s critical to problem solving and intelligent thought. Damage to the hippocampus is scary, especially when you consider that it’s one of the primary brain areas destroyed by Alzheimer’s.

Complaining is also bad for your health

While it’s not an exaggeration to say that complaining leads to brain damage, it doesn’t stop there. When you complain, your body releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol shifts you into fight-or-flight mode, directing oxygen, blood and energy away from everything but the systems that are essential to immediate survival. One effect of cortisol, for example, is to raise your blood pressure and blood sugar so that you’ll be prepared to either escape or defend yourself.

All the extra cortisol released by frequent complaining impairs your immune system and makes you more susceptible to high cholesterol, diabetes, heart disease and obesity. It even makes the brain more vulnerable to strokes.

It’s Not Just You...

Since human beings are inherently social, our brains naturally and unconsciously mimic the moods of those around us, particularly people we spend a great deal of time with. This process is called neuronal mirroring, and it’s the basis for our ability to feel empathy. The flip side, however, is that it makes complaining a lot like smoking -- you don’t have to do it yourself to suffer the ill effects. You need to be cautious about spending time with people who complain about everything. Complainers want people to join their pity party so that they can feel better about themselves. Think of it this way: If a person were smoking, would you sit there all afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d distance yourself, and you should do the same with complainers.

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The solution to complaining

There are two things you can do when you feel the need to complain. One is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. That is, when you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something that you’re grateful for. Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do; it reduces the stress hormone cortisol by 23%. Research conducted at the University of California, Davis, found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood and energy and substantially less anxiety due to lower cortisol levels. Any time you experience negative or pessimistic thoughts, use this as a cue to shift gears and to think about something positive. In time, a positive attitude will become a way of life.

The second thing you can do -- and only when you have something that is truly worth complaining about -- is to engage in solution-oriented complaining. Think of it as complaining with a purpose. Solution-oriented complaining should do the following:

1. Have a clear purpose. Before complaining, know what outcome you’re looking for. If you can’t identify a purpose, there’s a good chance you just want to complain for its own sake, and that’s the kind of complaining you should nip in the bud.
2. Start with something positive. It may seem counterintuitive to start a complaint with a compliment, but starting with a positive helps keep the other person from getting defensive. For example, before launching into a complaint about poor customer service, you could say something like, “I’ve been a customer for a very long time and have always been thrilled with your service...”
3. Be specific. When you’re complaining it’s not a good time to dredge up every minor annoyance from the past 20 years. Just address the current situation and be as specific as possible. Instead of saying, “Your employee was rude to me,” describe specifically what the employee did that seemed rude.
4. End on a positive. If you end your complaint with, “I’m never shopping here again,” the person who’s listening has no motivation to act on your complaint. In that case, you’re just venting, or complaining with no purpose other than to complain. Instead, restate your purpose, as well as your hope that the desired result can be achieved, for example, “I’d like to work this out so that we can keep our business relationship intact.”

Bringing It All Together

Just like smoking, drinking too much, and lying on the couch watching TV all day, complaining is bad for you. Put my advice to use, and you'll reap the physical, mental and performance benefits that come with a positive frame of mind. A version of this article appeared on TalentSmart.

How young millionaires Are investing their money

They don't just want to grow their money: Many Millennials want to achieve social and environmental goals through their investments. It's called "impact investing" and it's not just a buzz word.

"Impact investing is hitting the mainstream," says Jackie VanderBrug, investment strategist at U.S. Trust, a division of Bank of America (BAC). "We're hitting a tipping point."

VanderBrug knows. She and her team at U.S. Trust recently surveyed 684 individuals with investable assets worth $3 million or more. Among the millionaires, dozens were Millennials between the ages of 18 and 35.

The overwhelming majority of Millennials surveyed -- 93% -- believe that a company's social and environmental impact is key to their investing decisions. That's up from 74% two years ago, according to the U.S. Trust study.

In some ways, it's not new. Students have long protested at universities to end investments in coal or against governments like South Africa during the apartheid era. Last year, Columbia University and the University of Southern California both dumped their investments in prison stocks after student protests.

But instead of divesting, new investors want to see companies make an impact in a positive way.

Their older peers also agree. This year, 51% of Baby Boomer investors believe impact investing is key to where they park their cash, up from 46%. All age groups have increased their preference for impact investing over the past two years.

Former Vice President Al Gore is one impact investor. His investing firm, Generation, manages $12 billion.

"Sustainability values should be completely integrated in the investing process," Gore said in November at the Dealbook Conference.

Despite the buzz, experts admit there are challenges. Here are the top ones:

1. Defining "impact investing" is a challenge. It includes a wide swath of subjects, from gender equality and renewable energy to affordable housing and environmental policies. So they don't all appeal to the same people.

2. How it benefits investors is sometimes hard to measure. Fixing abstract problems like gender inequality through private investment don't have easy yardsticks for success.

3. Impact investing is often confused or conflated with philanthropy -- many investors don't want to blend the two, either for moral reasons or tax purposes (you can write off philanthropic donations when you file your taxes).

Still, companies are becoming more transparent, experts say. Last year, over 7,000 companies issued corporate responsibility reports, which are audited by a third party. That's up from only 27 such reports in 1992, says VanderBrug.

And some people are trying to tackle the challenges facing impact investors. Christina Alfonso is the CEO of Madeira Global, a firm based in New York that specializes in data analytics that pertain to ESG -- environmental, social and governance.

Her firm focuses on scoring private equity companies on a framework that has a scale of 0 to 100. Madeira ranks firms on a range of factors, such environmental policies, governance and social impact.

"It allows us to benchmark companies across industries, geographies and growth stages," says Alfonso.

One often-cited socially responsible company is Starbucks (SBUX). It seeks to buy coffee grown in an ethical manner. It also helps employees pay for college, among other initiatives.

"We've seen that non-financial factors can play a significant role in a company's financial performance as consumers and investors increasingly support businesses that consider social impact as well as profitability," says Alfonso.

How To Do Division of Bills: Sharing Expenses In A Relationship

Of all other challenges, money is one important factor that determine how healthy a relationship is. Its management is very crucial. 

Even couples who have been together for years deal with petty fights and huge disagreements. This includes, but is not limited to, where to settle down, who will be in charge of different household chores and, of course, how to split the bills.

It can be less of a problem if both of you work and your incomes aren’t that different to each other. However, what happens when one person stays home while the other works? Or, if your incomes are unequal? We understand these are issues you’ll eventually face the moment you move in, so in an effort to help you deal with this, we’ve gathered a number of tips that can help you and your partner to divide the expenses without causing a divide in your relationship.

1. Openness is key

It’s crazy how some couples will talk about everything under the sun but are hesitant to be as open when discussing money. It’s a mistake you should avoid if you want your relationship to last. Be sure to sit down with your SO and talk about how much each of you make and what your plans are regarding the division of household expenses. Be open, honest and open-minded, and have a we’re-in-this-together mindset.

2. Be realistic

Most couples’ initial solution to money problems is to divide things 50/50. While this is effective when you earn the same income, it doesn’t make sense when you don’t. Thus, use it only when it’s the smartest thing to do to avoid financial resentments, which can eventually lead to a breakup if not addressed properly.

3. Find time to discuss bills together

Set a day aside each month when you both sit down to see how many bills you have to pay. This should depend on when you get paid, how often you get paid and when your bills are due. Doing this will create awareness for both parties and will even help to strengthen your bond (since you’re talking about one of the most important things that can impact your relationship).

4. Determine how much you spend personally and as a couple

It’s only fair that you split the bills for things that you both use. For this reason, write down how much goes to your rent, electricity, utilities, credit card (if you have a joint account), etc. This helps both of you stay aware of how much goes to what.

Also, talk about which other expenses you should split and which you should pay individually (grooming, student loans, salon trips, etc.). It wouldn’t make sense to have your boyfriend pay for your mani-pedis, trips to the mall and others, but if he offers to pay for them, then why not? A girl should be pampered from time to time, after all.

5. Set a budget

You’ll surely have out-of-town trips, dinner and movie dates and other couple things planned. Before you go out, be sure to sit down and discuss about how much you should spend on each trip. When a budget is set, you’ll avoid overspending on things you shouldn’t prioritize and you’ll have enough for the expenses that should be a priority. This way, you’ll avoid fights and blame when things go out of hand.

6. Write them down

Keeping a paper trail shouldn’t be so hard since most bills get sent to your mailing address unless you opt for paper statements. This way, you have a record of everything and it’s easy to refer back to previous expenses when there’s a need.

7. Take advantage of technology

If you’re not into keeping paper statements of your bills, you’ll benefit from using a spreadsheet. Since the spreadsheet is made with your convenience in mind, tracking your personal bills and your expenses as a couple will be easier. There are also apps nowadays like Splitwise or Divvy that can help you to manage the division of expenses easily. Try them out and see what works for you and your SO. The most important thing is that you fin a way to make splitting bills more transparent and convenient to make you and your partner’s financial life better.

8. Keep the lines of communication open

There will be times when both of you will be strapped for cash for whatever reason. When this happens, you should let your SO know and vice versa. This way, you can work together towards getting through the month, even if that means touching your savings or borrowing from family or close friends. It won’t be easy, but you’ll have to do it anyway. Because if you don’t, you have to ask yourself what’s stopping you. Maybe it’s you or you’re with the wrong person. It’s your job to find out.

Money is going to be a huge part of your relationship, so the sooner you address it with your partner, the better. Keep these tips in mind and always remember to never fight about money. Because even if it plays an important role in your life as a couple, love is still the most vital player. For where there is love, you’ll make things work. Good luck!

Have you ever fought with your partner because of money? How did it turn out for you? Share your thoughts in the comments.