Every year during awards season, I spend so, so many hours—just about every weekend in January and February—sitting on my sagging couch, my Thai take-out getting colder by the second, while I try my best to write as many posts as quickly as I can about every thing that goes on during the red carpets and award shows. It is not glamorous and super exhausting, and I've often wondered what it would be like if the tables were flipped. Wouldn't it be great to put on a fancy dress, get made up, and have my biggest task of the day be walking down a carpet? So, when an opportunity came up to attend the People's Choice Awards (always the first show of the season), I decided to make a whole week of it and truly live like the other half. Here's what happened...
SUNDAY
I woke up at the God-awful hour of 4:30 A.M. to get to the airport in time for my early flight to LAX from JFK (a very celeb-friendly flight route, of course). Because it was my last remaining hours as a non-famous person, I elected to call the shady car service I always use for airport trips. (Cheaper than Uber!) My driver pulled up in his tattered car right on time, but I was surprised to see a pre-teen boy sitting in the front seat. "It's OK if my son's here, right?" my driver asked while he threw—literally threw—my carry-on into his trunk. I mean, sure, it's not like I have an option otherwise, is it? On the bright side, having his child in the car did not at all stop this man from driving at a breakneck speed. I got to JFK in record-breaking time. Also, during our ride, the driver said "fuhgeddaboutit" in a non-ironic way, so, long story short, I love him.
After a long security line and six uncomfortable hours of being unable to recline my seat (never sit in an exit row), I finally arrived in Los Angeles ready to behave like the star I know I am. Greeting me at baggage claim was my driver, Frank, a polite, well-dressed man who helped carry my bags to his refreshingly clean SUV. Soon, we arrived at the Loews Hollywood Hotel. Now, this was truly a celebrity experience—my room had champagne in it waiting for me! And a view of the Hollywood sign! And I learned that this is the hotel where every celebrity gets ready for the Oscars at. The stars literally go there on the day of, get ready in their suites, then ride in their limos around the corner to the Dolby theater—even though the hotel literally connected to it. (All of the Oscar press interviews take place in the hotel's ballrooms.) I begged the staff to tell me which celebrities have stayed in my suite before or who will be staying there during this year's award show, but they remained discreet. That's good. I was just testing them anyway...I can't have them revealing that I, a celebrity, have stayed there, right? Another bonus of the hotel: It has a stunning rooftop helipad that is used for things like VIP guest happy hours and rooftop yoga classes. Here's the view:
But soon, hunger took over. I debated ordering room service—seems like a celebrity would prefer to have things brought to them versus venturing outside, no?—but then I saw on Google Maps that In 'N' Out was nearby and my love of burgers took over any reservations I had about being around people asking for my autograph. (Spoiler: They did not.) Also, celebrities love In 'N' Out! Miley Cyrus, Adele, and Beyonce have all been spotted there, so that was good enough for me. I will say: The burger was delicious, but the fries were...OK. But that's a review for another time.
After, I wandered around Hollywood Boulevard and pretended that I was just killing time before my appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. Hollywood feels a lot like New York City's Times Square, which is to say that one visit is enough. I did, however, enjoy seeing the stars on the Walk of Fame. Despite my new "celebrity" status, I don't actually have a star there, so I picked the first person I could find who I'd like to be: Amy Poehler.
MONDAY
*Another morning where I had to wake up insanely early—this time for a private yoga class. Gotta get that Jennifer Aniston body! If I were Jen, I would exclusively do private yoga classes so that nobody can take photos of me in weird poses. There's no hiding when you're not feeling stretchy enough or if you look super awkward during a downward-facing dog pose. *Do I have a Jen Aniston body yet?
I guess one session isn't enough to tell.
After that, it was on to the activity I was most excited for: a massage at Exhale Spa. Heidi Klum and Cameron Diaz are reportedly fans of Exhale's Core Fusion classes, but I'm all about that relaxation. Before the massage, I got to pick my choice of scented oil. There were three options, so I chose the one I think Jen A. might be most likely to get: patchouli. Seems like her, right? Eh? After, the masseuse informed me that she felt a lot of tension in my left shoulder and showed me a stretch I can do to help. I had only been a celebrity less than 24 hours and already the stress of fame was showing!
After the massage, I headed to a leisurely lunch at Fig & Olive—a hotspot in Melrose Place for stars like Amanda Seyfried. I figured Jen, who I decided I was channeling that day, would likely order a salad….but then the waitress suggested the chicken sandwich and fries, and I was sold. So much for that Jen A body. The fries were worth it. They're called "skinny fries," which I assume means they are diet friendly. Right? RIGHT?!
Next, it was on to a VIP tour of the Dolby theater, where the Oscars are held. I even picked out my seat of choice: Front row between Channing Tatum and Keira Knightly is perfect, thankyouverymuch.
Later, we had dinner at Cleo at the Redbury Hotel. Scarlett Johansson and the Beckhams (Victoria and David) have been there before, though I didn't spot any celebs during my meal. After dinner, however, was a much better celeb-sighting experience. During drinks at Good Times at Davey Wayne's, a 70s-themed bar that plays vintage music, uses shag carpeting in the decor, and serves drinks like the "Tiny Dancer," I instantly spotted Marry Me's Ken Marino and Brooklyn Nine Nine's Joe Lo Truglio sitting on the patio with their buddies. I, a huge comedy nerd, wanted to shout "Wet Hot American Summer! The State!" as a sign of my respect for their work. But I refrained because I honor my fellow celebrities' privacy.
TUESDAY
I had the option to take an early Soul Cycle class—it's a favorite of David Beckham and Jake Gyllenhaal—but...I opted for my beauty rest instead. If Adele doesn't care for spinning, then it's not for me either. That afternoon, I took a tour of the Warner Bros. lot and saw lots of cool things, especially Harry Pottermemorabilia, but perhaps most exciting was the scoop I got on Gilmore Girlsreturning! (Read all about that here.)
Then, it was time to head to Beverly Hills for lunch. I dined at Thomas Keller's Bouchon a table over from Elton John's manager (or former manager? I forget) and ordered a steak. A steak! For lunch! So extravagant. It was delicious, but by this point the busy life of a celebrity (eating, working out, going to bed late after a night of networking) was starting to wear on me. I ordered a coffee to go with my meal, but even that didn't boost me up. After lunch, I met with celebrity stylist and personal shopper Joe Katz, but I could barely keep my eyes open. He was lovely as he escorted the group I was with around the Van Cleef & Arpels on Rodeo Drive, showing off jewelry that may or may not be loaned out for awards season, but I could feel myself winding down.
By then, I was so ready for a nap, but only had a few moments to check into my next hotel, the W Los Angeles-West Beverly Hills, and change before dinner at Hinoki & the Bird, a favorite of industry executives. The food was amazing, but I was so tired I couldn't figure out how to use the sink in the bathroom. True story. I wish I was kidding.
WEDNESDAY
The big day of my trip! I started with brunch at Clementine. It's in the middle of industry offices in Century City, so many music celebs have been spotted there getting a bite. DJ Khaled Snapchatted a recent visit, and Calvin Harris reportedly loves their Turkey Caliente sandwich. Yum.
After brunch, I got a nail treatment at Bellacures, where stars like Jessica Alba have been known to go. Once I was all glammed up (and properly hydrated with mimosas), I rushed back to the hotel to get ready for the People's Choice Awards that evening. I ordered room service for a quick lunch because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat again until late that evening after the show—but my GlamSquad arrived at the same time as my food, so I only got to shove a few bites in before it got cold and sad. Oh well. I turned my attention on to my beautification process instead. The W Los Angeles-West Beverly Hills offers an awards season viewing package, which includes a cocktail party at STK, GlamSquad makeovers, and Rent the Runway, so I had rented a black jumpsuit from RTR (this one, to be exact) because I wanted that Taylor Swift/Emma Stone vibe. If they can wear a jumpsuit, I can too, surely? Too bad this one was slightly big on me, so I had to do some quick styling. You're only ever photographed from the front on the red carpet though, so I had that going for me.
Once I got to the PCAs, I stopped by the red carpet—and it was INSANITY. There were so many flashing lights and people and screaming and confusion. I don't know how celebrities do it. They all looked so poised and normal, but it was a literal zoo happening around them. After the show, I finally got to eat (at STK), but by then, it was so late that all I could stomach was a few mini sliders. (Burgers seems to be a theme in my life.)
THURSDAY
Finally, a day off! I had a leisurely morning strolling around Westwood before heading off to meet up with Glamour's west coast contributor, Jessica Radloff, who basically acted as my personal handler for the day. She escorted me around the Television Critics Association winter press tour, which is a gathering for networks to highlight upcoming and current shows for the press, and we attended an HBO party, where I met real celebrities: Sesame Streetpuppets!
The only food there that I could find were milk and cookies (and Cookie Monster had those on lockdown), so we headed to Cecconi's, a West Hollywood celebrity hotspot. It was crowded, so we were told the wait would be 45 minutes to an hour for a table. Did they not know that I am famous? I didn't want to pull that card though because I am humble and of the people. (And it would surely show up in TMZ the next day.)
FRIDAY
By this point, my normal, non-celeb life had caught up with me (read: I had a ton of emails), so I took some time off from being famous to catch up. Snooze. But I did take a moment to get lunch at Plan Check, a favorite of Taylor Swift's. I ordered a fried chicken sandwich because it seemed southern-y and she has a house in Nashville, so maybe that's what she would order? (Eh, worth a shot.)
Later in the day, my exhaustion from the week hit and I fell asleep hard. But naps are miracle workers—within two hours, I was ready to hit the town again for one last famous LA experience: drinks at No Vacancy, a favorite of Rob Pattinson and K-Stew. I managed to reserve a table (they are hard to get!) and my friends and I ordered a giant punchbowl. A lot of people stared at us, clearly trying to figure out who we were to get such good seats and have such a giant bowl of punch. Finally, people notice that I'm famous!!! (Also, our gorgeous waitress was a former American Idol contestant because this is LA and of course.)
I also found a secret photo booth:
SATURDAY
Time to go home back to my normal life. But I had one experience left: A driver in NYC greeted me in a Bentley. Here's a photo as proof:
As if this wasn't luxurious enough, the seats in the car have a back massager, which is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened after a long flight where I yet again could not recline my seat. (Gosh darn you, Virgin America.
As I looked out the window of this fancy car, I reflected on my time and what it was like to be a celebrity. Yes, it was filled with wonderful new experiences and luxury that I could never afford day to day. But there was also a lot of pressure, stressful time management, and an inability to be in control of your own day. I was surprised at how happy I was to get back to my normal life—which included writing about the Golden Globes, on my couch, that very evening. I will miss that back massager though...
