I've been married now for seven years. My husband is an amazing father and husband, and always gives his 110 percent in all he does. But I still seem to feel unhappy and unfulfilled. About two years ago, I began an affair, and my husband found out about 10 months in. Eventually I asked for a divorce, but he wasn't having it. He said he didn't want to give up so easily. Now we're working on our marriage and things are going well aside from the fact that I have continued the affair. I've tried on several occasions to stop but always end up giving in. I don't know how to handle this. We also have four children. I'm so confused. I do love and appreciate him, but still have an emptiness that he can't seem to fill.
It sounds like you were faced with a decision: Break up or make up. And you didn't really choose either. By working on the marriage and cheating on your husband, you haven't really committed either way. Now you've got to decide what you really want. Because if you keep cheating on him, he's not going to take it forever, and soon you're not going to have a choice. If this blows up in your face, adultery could adversely affect the settlement that results from an acrimonious divorce. Legal issues aside, a revealed affair could really shake up your relationship with your kids.
At the very least, you need to stop the affair soon so you can get some perspective on your marriage, even if it's just to remove the cloud of guilt hanging over you, which has got to make it hard to see your marriage clearly.
Maybe you desperately need to divorce, figure out how to co-parent your four children, and move on with your life. Maybe you're just plain unsatisfied with your husband and the difficulty of a divorce will be worth the life you find after marriage. Or maybe there's some other cause for your unhappiness.
I don't know what you should do, but I'll try to help you think through it. You say you're "unhappy and unfulfilled," but I can't tell why. Is it your husband, who you say is "an amazing father and husband" and treats you well? He could be a great guy but wrong for you — even if you have made a family with four children together. Or is it something else?
Remember too that a messy, difficult relationship can eclipse more fundamental, individual problems, and it can be difficult to separate the two. So I'll gently suggest that you think about how much of your unhappiness is due to your husband, how much might be due to some more individual issue — and how much your unhappiness may be exacerbated by the stress of maintaining this affair. The thing is: Your husband is not really why you're cheating, is he? He's not making you cheat. You have to take responsibility for that choice and think about how cheating might be making you less present in your relationship, and how to do the real work repairing your marriage requires.
Do you feel empty because you've fallen out of love with him and know, deep down, that the relationship has run its course? Or is there another cause — depression, anxiety, personal demons — for your unhappiness? For your cheating?
Sometimes, another person really can make us miserable. But one of the scariest things about life is that, sometimes, nobody's to blame for the dark times and empty feelings. We can get stuck in ruts without knowing why, and sometimes there is no reason at all. Regardless, when we go looking for a cause for our unhappiness, we often blame it on the person closest to us, no matter how much they care for us, even if, sometimes, there's no guilty party or easy fix. Sometimes, life is just brutally hard, especially when you've got four kids to raise.
My only practical advice for you is to think deeply about yourself — not as an unhappy wife, but as a woman. (I hope you're also talking this through with good friends and family, or a therapist.) Put the marriage and husband aside for a second. Sit with yourself. You say you "have an emptiness that he can't seem to fill." I suppose it's a scary thought, but it's at least worth asking: Can anyone but you fill that emptiness?
How do I tell my boyfriend his (uncircumcised) penis doesn't smell all that great, without hurting his feelings, or making sex or oral awkward?Sorry, but there's not a particularly subtle way to inform your boyfriend that he's got skunk junk. If it reeks, you must speak. If it smells, you must tell.
You don't have to be mean to get him to clean, but if his scent overpowers, tell him he must shower. Say, "Honey, when I go down on you, it's hotter when you smell fresh and clean."
You don't have to wrinkle your nose and tell him he's nasty to get your point across. Stress what turns you on (cleanliness) and he'll understand the implication of what turns you off (nasty-ass junk). A gentle nudge and a bar of soap should do it. Warm, damp environments breed bacteria, so tell him to dry off well — and maybe even show him this guide to keeping your junk odor-free.
It will be awkward, but the conversation will pass. If he knows that bathing properly will lead to more sex, my guess is he'll be inspired to keep himself squeaky clean. Finally, on the rare chance that a shower isn't enough, tell him to visit his doctor: It could be a bacterial infection, or even a symptom of an STI.
My boyfriend broke up with me in December, and we got back together in January. However, we found out later that while we weren't together, he got his ex-girlfriend pregnant. She decided to keep the baby (against his and my wishes), and the closer it gets to the due date, the closer they get. He tells me he loves me and he's not worried about our relationship, and I'm totally on board to be with him and the baby, but I'm so terrified he's going to leave me to be with her. She is no good for him emotionally and is not stable enough to even have this baby, but I guess that never stopped him from having sex with her. I told him after we found out that if he ever had sex with her again, it would be the one thing I could never forgive and would leave him, and I want to believe he loves me and wants to be with me through all this, but I'm terrified of what might change in the future.No doubt, this is a tough situation that will change your future. It sounds like this other woman is a handful, but she's going to be a part of your boyfriend's life now. He's going to be a father, and that's going to come with some level of responsibility — and some ongoing drama for both of you.
I think you were absolutely right to set a firm limit: Mess around with this woman again and I'll leave you. Perfect. Now he knows that there will be consequences if he cheats. There's honestly not much else you can do but to continue to communicate your feelings clearly.
As you move toward the birthdate of this child, it's going to be tough and stressful on your relationship. Your boyfriend will be in much more regular contact with his ex, and he will need your support as he negotiates a tough relationship. You and your boyfriend need to be very clear about how this child will affect your relationship. Will the child eventually be spending time with you? What role will he take in this child's life? You say that you're terrified to think of what might happen in the future, and I think that fear must be intense right now because so very much is unknown. Talk to him about the practicalities: How will this change your everyday relationship?
I'd suggest being just as direct about the rest of your relationship. I know you're scared. Since insecurities and fears grow in the dark, keep shining a light on whatever worries you. Talk through all of your expectations to make sure you're on the same page: commitment, marriage, kids, money, whatever. Keep talking about what scares you and keep telling him what you need. Hopefully, he'll keep proving that he deserves your love.
