When I first met my husband, he was a fun, confident, and affectionate person. He worked in sales and I was getting my personal training certification to launch a big career change. It was the second marriage for both of us, so we felt like we had learned a lot from our previous relationships to really make this one work. For a while, I believed we'd really make it—he'd take me to amazing dinners, on romantic weekend trips, and we'd spend hours talking and laughing. And sexuality was never an issue. He was the first one to crack a dirty joke and our physical chemistry was off the charts.
Over time, though, our sex life changed. And by that I mean it became nonexistent. What once was us having sex at least a few times a week turned into one or two times a month, if I was lucky. He grew more emotionally distant and had trouble getting aroused, and while I knew he was dealing with a lot of financial stress at work (and I was bringing in less money due to my job switch), he never wanted to have a conversation with me, or even see a doctor.
The more I tried to talk, the more he withdrew into his work—he started sleeping on the couch, being less affectionate, and making comments about how attractive he found other women. I kept wondering why he was pulling away when I was trying to be open and supportive, and I was almost certain that he was cheating, though I never confronted him about it. I knew I needed to, but I'd already been through another failed marriage and I was secretly hoping things would turn around.
I WAS ALMOST CERTAIN THAT HE WAS CHEATING.
I'm the first to admit that I'm a sexual person, so during this time I decided to take control and satisfy my own needs. I had never been shy about masturbation before, but it was always something that was a private experience; something I did as, well, a side job when I felt the urge—it was never the main event.
One night, he walked in on me mid-act. I was in bed using my vibrator under the covers, and I'd assumed he had fallen asleep on the couch per usual, so I definitely wasn't expecting him. I was right at the brink…and that's the moment he walked in. As soon as he realized what was happening, it was so incredibly awkward. Like, a teenage boy getting caught by his mom awkward. Which took me completely by surprise—it's not like we had never seen each other naked or, you know, had sex before. But instead of getting turned on (like I've been told time and time again is the case for guys) he really seemed hurt and shocked, which quickly turned into irritation and a fight about him not being enough for me.
As much as I tried to explain that I had physical, sexual needs, he didn't understand that it was something that I was doing for me. He brushed aside the fact that we weren't having sex, and said that I needed to try harder to initiate sex with him. He also claimed that because of day-to-day life, the thrill was gone—talk about a gut punch. Eventually, he said that he didn't want to know or hear about anything related to me masturbating. I felt shocked, hurt, and on some levels ashamed.
After that, his emotional wall became even harder to break through, and I was more insecure. I had suggested counseling in the past and though he had always been wary, we finally went together. Unfortunately—or fortunately, depending on how you look at it—that was when we realized that our hearts weren't in it. He was already emotionally checked out of the relationship, and I couldn't keep trying for the both of us.
I COULDN'T KEEP TRYING FOR BOTH OF US.
While obviously there were larger issues between us as a couple, that intimate moment is the one that signaled the ultimate demise of our relationship, in my opinion. My husband could have chosen to accept me and my sexuality, and instead I felt judged. I really wish that we could have been more open about our wants, needs, and desires within our marriage, but eventually I realized that his entire persona when I first met him, even his dirty jokes, were a front; something he used to cover up how insecure he was. It finally sunk in that it wasn't all my fault. I've been dating a little recently and I feel more comfortable in my own skin after working with a therapist on my own. And what's most important, I feel confident about telling the men I'm dating what I need and want—both in and out of the bedroom.
The Expert's Take:
While talking about pleasure, especially self-pleasure, with your partner can be challenging, a common misconception is that people masturbate if they are unhappy with their sex life. But that isn't the case. "Most people still masturbate within a happy, healthy relationship," says Alexandra Jamieson, author of Women, Food and Desire: Embrace Your Cravings, Make Peace with Food, Reclaim Your Body. "Many don't talk about it, though, and it creates a gaping hole in the relationship conversation." If your partner has concerns, here are some ways to help address them.
Pick your moment to talk. If your partner is freaking out, don't try to argue with them in the moment. Let things settle a bit and make time for the conversation. Really hear their fears—it will help you get to the heart of any issues, especially any feelings of inadequacy. Even though it can be a tough conversation to have, it can lead to a deeper, more trusting relationship.
Know the benefits and share them with your partner."Women get a sort of halo effect from masturbating," says Jamieson. "Their partners should be encouraging of it, because it means great things for them too." Masturbating is psychologically relaxing, she says, and can take the edge off right before and during the menstrual cycle. It also helps the body release dopamine, endorphins and oxytocin, which all help lower the main stress hormone, cortisol. Not to mention women who masturbate regularly tend to feel more positively about their body. "When a woman can give herself pleasure without having to worry about bringing anyone else pleasure, she feels better—and more confident—about herself," she says.
It'll increase your libido. Research shows self-pleasure—even sexy daydreams—can help release testosterone and boost libido. "When a woman is more consistently turned on because she's allowed to be a sexual individual, she's more likely to want sex more with her partner," says Jamieson. And remember, there's nothing wrong with letting him watch once in a while, if you're comfortable with it—it may help him become more comfortable with the idea of you masturbating in general, and help him understand that it's a sexual release for you, and has nothing to do with your satisfaction in the relationship.
Follow Marie Claire on Facebook for the latest celeb news, beauty tips, fascinating reads, livestream video, and more.
From: Redbook
