Having a boyfriend, like having a dog or a houseplant, is so time consuming. You have to take care of him, tend to his enduring thirst, spend time with him ... It's all so much. Too much, one could even argue, if you're a Modern Woman With An Agenda, like me.
But even the most hardened of broads sometimes wishes for a bae to call her own. Valentine's Day is coming up, after all, and it'd be nice to Instagram a bouquet of flowers that didn't come from my mom (mom, ILY but it's different). Also, after years spent tirelessly monitoring Instagram activity, I've deduced that nothing hits the big time in terms of "likes" as much as lonelygirl thirst-trap pics that allude to having a boyfriend.
If anything, I figure the combination of Valentine's Day + being in a relationship + aesthetically pleasing flowers shot from above = potential triple digit-like territory, and the only thing keeping me from reaching such ecstasy is ... lacking a boyfriend.
But I am nothing if not savvy AF and have found a way to cash in on the likes without having to worry about roping in a man in time for V-day: faking an Instagram boyfriend. Seems simple, I know, but it takes planning, persistence, and a few trusty accomplices.
The key to this con is that it's a long one — you have to lay the groundwork early in order to really have followers believe you nabbed a doting boyfriend in time for the 14th. But start too soon, and you'll find yourself backed into a corner, flustering to explain your new boyfriend to your mom by the time Valentine's Day rolls around.
For one week, I did the legwork for you and come up with a foolproof plan to fake an Instagram boyfriend. It's so simple, and it gets RESULTS. Consider this my personal guarantee. Read on to get the likes you deserve on what's arguably the best worst holiday of the year.
POST #1: LOVE BLOSSOMS OVER BRUNCH FOR TWO
My Instagram is essentially an ode to single womanhood — I post a lot of selfies (especially of the mirror variety), I post pics surrounded by female friends on girls' nights out, neon signs that just say Wine, and I've even been known to post pics of actual lines from Sex and the City (the book) that scream, "I AM A SINGLE WOMAN IN NEW YORK!!!!" Even in the throes of an IRL relationship, I tend to keep my suitor separate from my feed. Basically, for me to postanything that alludes to the fact that I've found love in a hopeless place (New York City) is huge and would cause a disturbance in the depraved-yet-somehow-cool-and-fun personal brand I've spent years perfecting.
So my first post was subtle — I needed it to fit in with my Instagram essence, and I needed it to really look like I'd just met someone. This is important: You don't want to depart too quickly from your regularly scheduled Instagram programming. This is a rookie mistake, and you are a goddamn professional. Repeat this to yourself each morning: I vow to maintain control over my personal brand. It's unbecoming to abandon your online soul and integrity just because you met a man. Feminism.
This delightful brunch 'gram came during winter storm Jonas. What better time to lasso an unassuming man than during a time of environmental crisis? Note that there are two coffees (black, because we are hardened adults) and two plates in this picture. Clearly, I was not alone. And the caption, my "new friend 😜?" Not actually a new friend! Just someone who agreed to sit across from me while I shoved an inordinate amount of savory French toast into my mouth.
No one texted me to ask "OMG who r u with!!?" after this post, but that is OK. This is only the beginning. Patience, my children. You cannot rush such fine con artistry as this.
POST #2: "SOMEONE" SENDS ME FLOWERS AT WORK
Someone else in the office got some flowers from a #brand, and I thought, Wow, those flowers look like the kind of thing a man might give a woman if he was trying to woo her and purchase her sex dowry. So now, according to my Instagram, the hot piece of ass I went to brunch with ("someone not gross") sent me some flowers at the office! How sweet of fake Insta boyfriend. People who follow me closely enough were meant to pick up this photo hint like the disgusting bait that it was.
But it seems I overestimated my followers, because no one thought this post and its caption signified romance. In fact one follower, a close friend from college, simply commented "granny," because she apparently thinks that only my grandmother would enact such a sweet gesture (she's not that wrong).
I decided I had to ramp things up if people were going to believe me. Pull out all the stops. This is no time for subtlety and nuance. I went full-on lovelust.
POST #3: BEER — BECAUSE MEN LOVE BEER
Midweek, an opportunity presented itself to interact with a male friend in the wild (at a dive bar). "Perfect," I thought to myself, drumming my fingers mischievously, "An opportunity to expand upon my boyfriend con."
Like all men before him, this friend ordered a beer. Ha HA, he fell right into my trap. I capitalized on the situation by snapping a quick dumpster pic, slapping a mediocre filter on it, and captioning it accordingly.
The lesson here is that the quality of the pic does not matter nearly as much as the caption when it comes to wrangling faux-likes out of your idiotic followers. I mean, 21 hearts for a poorly lit pic of a gross beer bottle? They had come for my newfound romance, and for the first time in this con, I had my followers right where I wanted.
Something that helped here was that I had found an accomplice at this point — a coworker, Danielle, helped me out by commenting with three 😍. If anyone who followed me had any doubt, this comment solidified their suspicions: I was on a date, dammit, with a real, live man.
This post drew some response, as well. My first markers of success. Trophies, if you will.
Do I see a plot developing? You bet I do.
POST #4: I SUCCUMB TO SUBWAY PDA (SORT OF)
At this point in the experiment, bolstered by the excitement of my first suspicions from friends, I reached an important crossroads. I had to decide how much I could afford to toe the line between staying on brand and going full-on Insta girl in love if I really wanted people to believe me. How much of my own integrity could I maintain if I wanted to give the impression of being truly happy in my relationship? How much of myself was I willing to lose, in order to gain (a ton of likes)?
I swallowed my pride and went for it — I decided to give my followers their first official glimpse at the hottie I'd been hiding from them for five whole days. I needed something bigger to fuel their newfound thirst for my budding, chronicled romance. I decided on a glimpse at his alleged hand.
The key to pulling off this move is to be sneaky with your camera, and to be in a place with lots of people. What better place than a crowded subway car during rush hour? I simply placed my hand next to a man's on the rail, drew my phone in close, and snapped a pic. Boom, perfection.
Normally this kind of caption would be vomit-inducing, but I had to go for broke if I wanted results. And boy, did they come in. This time my grandma (who I call Bonga, long story) texted me to find out who I was necking with on the L train.
With my family on board, I deemed the caption, in all its unholy disgrace, a success.
POST #5: "WE" GET COFFEE, AS LOVERS DO
Having relinquished myself for the previous subway caption, and feeling confident in my abilities to take creep shots of total strangers in public, I went even bigger with post no. 5. My coworker Danielle (who has an IRL boyfriend and takes killer Instas of him) told me that one of her most successful posts was a picture of hey boyfriend, holding coffee. It makes sense: People love hot men, and people also love hot coffee, so I manufactured a situation in which I could stage such a photograph.
Sunday morning, while waiting for my cortado (I am aware that I am terrible) in a local coffee shop, I sneakily took a pic of a man who was minding his own business, drinking coffee, and reading a book. The fact that he was reading a book was opportune for me. He was utterly distracted and didn't notice the strange woman taking a million pictures of his arms from a foot away.
This picture was also one of my most aesthetically pleasing. The coffee shop has big windows, and this man was dressed in the Good Man on Instagram uniform: gray sweater, dumb sunglasses. This is exactly the way a man I would conceivably date might dress — this was a believable moment upon which to capitalize.
Again, an accomplice commented "I see u" in order to help fool my followers into believing I was actually the kind of monster who would post a picture like this. And it worked. A friend texted me to say her roommate wondered who I was with, and why I hadn't said anything about him.
I did notice, however, that this photograph got fewer likes than I anticipated. Were my followers growing tired of my already obnoxious relationship? Was this picture of a generic man in a generic Brooklyn coffee shop so unbelievable that I'd been found out? Or — my guess — was the caption simply so terrible and so not me that they turned away in disgust? The struggle between brand and bae continues.
POST #6: I SEAL THE DEAL WITH A THAI FOOD DATE
What do couples do on Sunday nights? I don't really know, but I assume that some might enjoy a nice dinner out in public. Since I'd already done a straight-up food Instagram, I decided I needed to do something better. Keep my feed varied. Can't sacrifice all my Instagram integrity on my fake boyfriend.
To pull this off, I shamelessly asked a friend to take some cute pics of me looking at my drunken noodles over dinner. Simple, but the takeaway from this picture is that it is not a selfie. Note thatboth of my hands are in the picture. Someone must have taken the pic. And to prove that it wasn't just a friend (which, in actuality, it was) I captioned it with a pun (people in love fucking lovepuns) and said it was a date night.
I could kiss myself, this is so ingenious. And so easy. Again, people bought it. But by now, after a week of these vague, disgusting, loveydovey posts, friends who've known me for a while were getting fed up. Who took this pic of me? Who could I have pulled out of the gutter and forced to date me? They were curious, and they needed answers I couldn't give.
If you're not careful, this can be your downfall. Here's a little tip, from me to you: just don't respond to them with words! Emoji exist for a reason, and that reason is lying by omission. I decided to go with a simple, yet coy 😜.
Worked like a charm. In my opinion, the 😜 says "Yes, I have a new boyfriend who loves me but as I am a woman in love, I do not have time to tell you about it." Or, in the worst case, 😜 says "I've lost all mental capacity and this emoji is the last thing standing between me and a breakdown."
This emoji is also good for avoiding an outright lie to your friends that you can later be held accountable for, and it keeps you from having to waste time inventing details about this fake person. After all, it's one thing to lie without abandon on Instagram, but it's quite another to just straight-up lie to close friends and family, and then have to explain to them on the phone that it's all a big rouse, you don't have a boyfriend, his name isn't Josh, and perhaps you suddenly feel more alone than ever because you realized that faking it on IG was the most fun you've had on a date in months.
Now that my secret has been revealed, it's time for my Insta boyfriend and I to break up. He's been absolutely lovely, I enjoyed the likes these total lie posts brought, but we're through. Time to move on. I've missed posting my usual selfies and mirror selfies. Insta boyfriends (and IRL boyfriends) come and go, but selfies are forever.
playSocial media unconcerned about slaymama imprisoned by brothers (Instagram/Rita Geofrey Slava)
© Rihanna/Snapchat
