It's the age-old story, right? A guy can't or won't commit because he's an irrepressible man-child, too devoted to the lure of all those other fish in the sea. He's afraid of getting tied down, hitched up to the ball-and-chain, taking the plunge, or whatever negative euphemism for commitment he prefers. All because, as he sees it, life will be over once he does. It's a version of male arrested development that has been portrayed in movies, TV shows, and books ad nauseam. And given that, you'd think it was the only reason a guy ever had of failing to commit. But it isn't. Well, not entirely anyway.
OK, I'll admit that some of the time it is. There are plenty of cads out there unwilling to relinquish their lives of wild-oat sowing in favor of a one-woman show. But I'd actually wager that the more common reason for commitment-phobia is something along the lines of the Lloyd Dobbler Effect. The Lloyd Dobbler Effect is an idea first mentioned by Chuck Klosterman in his book Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, whereby people are incapable of remaining in a relationship because they are in love with a Hollywood fantasy. For women, it was John Cusack's sweet, charming, loquacious character from Say Anything, Lloyd Dobbler. For men, obviously theirs is not a John Cusack-based fantasy as much as, say, a Natalie Portman-based fantasy, one from a certain pretentious mid-aughts film set in New Jersey. But the setup is the same: It's the faulty idea that there is a potential romantic partner out there who is everything you want, and nothing you don't.
Ironically, perhaps, I think guys suffer much more from the Lloyd Dobbler Effect than women. Sure, women may look for their Lloyd Dobbler, but they don't predicate their entire future on finding him. Eventually they find a guy they like, one who has his upside but who is also distinctly human, and they commit to him. More men (at least it seems to me) hold on to their fantasy like grim death. Women may queue up to watch a romantic movie like Say Anything, but it's men who actually believe they can live inside of one.
The way it works is this: At a formative age a guy sees a girl in a movie or a TV show or whatever, one who represents for him an ideal, and he becomes fixated on that ideal. He believes that there is The One out there, a woman who will completely understand him the moment they meet. She will be preposterously beautiful, of course, and smart and funny and quirky. But most of all, she will "get" him—more than he "gets" himself. She will understand, intrinsically, how special he is. And he will know he's found her because when they do meet, the moment will be in slow-motion and accompanied by a crappy Shins song.
And that's the dirty little secret about a lot of guys. Women may like romance, but men are the ones who are hopelessly romantic, emphasis on hopeless. He won't commit because, though he really likes you, you have the unfortunate disadvantage of being human. You didn't descend from the heavens in a swirl of indie music to save him from himself. And now, he's worried that if he commits, he won't be available should his fantasy actually come to life.
So what to do about it? Well, the best thing to do would be to remind him that he doesn't live inside a Zach Braff movie and that you're considered quite a catch. He needs to understand that you aren't a plan B that can be strung along while he waits for plan A. You are the plan A, and many other guys will see that from the get-go.
